Leaving Dance...

My pregnancy journey began as a new dance student. My entire life I've been passionate about ballet, something I started as a shy little three year old and never stopped doing since then.

Once a week, every week for almost fifteen years I attended ballet class. The same ballet class, at the same school, with the same teacher. I loved every minute of ballet, especially as a younger child. It filled me with such passion and drive.

Ballet has taught me so much more than how to do the perfect plié. It's taught me discipline, respect and countless other life lessons.

I cant say it's something I've always been enthusiastic about. For many years, as a teenager, it was just ballet class. It became the mundane. I no longer envisioned a career in dance, it was simply a hobby I enjoyed. I lacked confidence and didn't think it was something I was good enough at to actually pursue.

In the months before I became pregnant, it started to spark that passion within me again. I wanted to dance, to perform and now maybe my tiny confidence had started to grow.

Dancing anywhere other than my dance school filled me with fear. Although I was on the way to completing my advanced ballet grade, I still felt like I knew nothing, like a fish out of water somehow.

My lack of confidence however, couldn't fight my passion any longer and reluctantly I signed on to two years of dance at a new college. The first week of college I despised. Although the other students were only a year younger than me I felt like an old, boring grandma in the corner of the room. I struggled to find anything in common with my fellow students and I was starting to feel like I didn't belong there at all. The week was filled with contemporary dance, something that is still completely alien to me. I love traditional ballet, and jazz. I’d never done anything contemporary before and all the other girls seemed to be able to fling their bodies around with experience. This wasn’t anything I was used to.

Ballet is consistent and controlled. I took comfort in this.

In all the years I had danced I had faced many difficulties. Natural of course for a young girl growing up- life can be scary, but every week I found those same steps. It was comforting for me to know that there were always there.

Now I was told to fling my body here and there and the steps I took comfort in didn't exist, instead there were movements. I didn’t like it. The inconstancy was fighting to me.

As the second week drew to a close things were starting to look up as I began to enjoy myself. Finally ballet class, something I was used to and jazz too. I felt like I was at home again. Maybe I was meant to be there...

On the journey home I felt lifted. "I can do this!" I thought.

I spoke to my mother on the phone, who was extremely excited for me. She had watched me dance my entire life and was happy that I had finally decided to follow my dream.

We eagerly spoke about my future months of dancing, but as my words of excitement slipped from my lips in the back of my throat there was guilt.

I was living a lie. I was pregnant and I knew that my time at college would be short lived. That day I had purchased a new leotard, knowing I wouldn’t be able to wear it for much longer.

I told my self to ignore it. Maybe it would go away. Of course it wouldn’t. The problem would only grow, literally.

Really it wasn't even a problem. I was ecstatic about being pregnant. That didn't stop me from wanting to enjoy college whilst it lasted, though.

It had taken me fifteen years to get there. I’d finally plucked up the courage do the one thing I’d always dreamt of doing and it was going to end before I even got my hands grasped around it.

A week or so later my journey at college was forced to an abrupt end. Unfortunately due to health and safety I wasn't able to stay all. Which in a way I'm glad for. Just thinking about my few short weeks at college makes me feel incredibly nauseous. In all honesty I don't think dancing full time is achievable when you are consumed with morning sickness. That didn't make leaving any easier though.

I continued at my dance school for a long while after I finished college. Managing to achieve a distinction in my triple award at three months pregnant. I tried my best to stick with ballet as I longed to take my advanced exam, that final grade, I had been working towards all those years.

Life had another plan as I was crippled with agonising pelvic pain, meaning even the slightest movement in my legs was impossible without awful discomfort. Once again I was forced to leave. I stored away my leotards into a vacuum pack and along with them I sealed my passion for dance.

I still hope to return to ballet in the near future. However I now know that I’ll never be able to invest my time into dance like I was hoping to. I won't be able to return to college and ballet will simply become a hobby again.

I struggled for a long time to admit that leaving dance wasn’t easy. I acted untouched by this. "It didn’t matter". I had more important things to worry about and I really was looking forward to becoming a mum. Yet underneath my happy facade laid sadness. For months I have been eaten up by guilt. Could I really say that I was unhappy in those first few "wonderful" weeks of pregnancy? I was conflicted between utter bliss and torn up by feeling unfulfilled.

I accepted my life as a mother a long time ago. I would never swap motherhood for anything, but leaving dance has always made me feel like a failure.

When I became pregnant I felt like I could no longer say that I struggled. That I had to be strong and show no other emotion than pure happiness. That I had to get on with life and all negative emotions should be disregarded; that anything other than this would make me a bad mum.

As a mother today I realise that life doesn't work like that. Struggles, difficulties, feeling sad are things we all face. Whilst remaining positive is incredibly important, negative emotions are still there and being a mother doesn't stop them.

Life changing moments happen in the everyday, they can't be perfect, but that's what makes them special to the individual.

That time in my life was really my first experience as a mother. Those moments taught me so much about sacrifice and accepting life for what it is. Without those emotions I felt, I wouldn't be the mother I am today. So I no longer feel ashamed for the disappointment I felt when I gave up my dream to dance. Leaving dance wasn't easy... and that's okay.